They exist in distinct layers, and each layer has a completely different job in your life.

In my book MODERN FRIENDSHIP, I gave those layers water-y names to highlight how fluid these tiers are:

• The Bathtub (1-2 people)

• The Jacuzzi (3-5 people)

• The Swimming Pool (10-15 people)

• The Beach Bonfire (~50 people)

• The Water Park (~150 people)

Do I have an aesthetically pleasing graphic of these tiers? I’m so glad you asked! I do!

People dip in and out of these tiers throughout our adult lives for all sorts of reasons. My book obsessively lays out what those reasons are. (So if you’ve ever been baffled about why a friendship ended, I’ll help you diagnose the reason so you can finally get peace).

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Let’s learn more about these friends.

The Bathtub (1-2 people)

This is your most intimate tier — a partner, a best friend, sometimes both. These are the people who know the unedited version of you, who you’d call with genuinely bad news, who would notice within days if something was wrong. Lose someone from this tier and you feel it in your bones. Most people have had a bathtub relationship collapse at some point and remember exactly what that absence felt like.

The Jacuzzi (3-5 people)

Still warm, still close, but a little more room. These are your ride-or-dies — the friends who show up, who remember things, who you see regularly enough that your life feels woven together with theirs. You’ve spent over 200+ hours together. A strong Jacuzzi is one of the best predictors of long-term wellbeing, which is why it’s also the tier most likely to shift during major life transitions like a move, a new job, or a serious relationship.

The Swimming Pool (10-15 people)

You care about these people and they care about you, but the relationship has some conditions attached — shared history, proximity, a recurring context like a book club or a neighborhood. When that context disappears, swimming pool friendships often go with it. That’s not a failure. It’s just how this tier works.

The Beach Bonfire (~50 people)

You know their names, their general deal, maybe their kids’ names. You’d be genuinely happy to run into them. But you’re not tracking each other’s lives closely, and that’s fine — this tier exists for warmth and weak ties, not deep support.

The Water Park (~150 people)

Dunbar’s research suggests this is roughly the cognitive limit for social recognition. Beyond it, faces start to blur.

Most friendship advice focuses on the water park. Grow your network. Put yourself out there. Meet new people. And yes, a full water park has its uses — weak ties are how you find jobs, apartments, recommendations, opportunities. But weak ties cannot hold you when something goes wrong. They cannot notice when you’ve gone quiet. They cannot sit with you in the particular way that only someone who truly knows you can.

The loneliness epidemic isn’t really a water park problem. Most lonely people have an overflowing cornucopia of acquaintances. What they’re missing are those valuable Jacuzzi people. Or they had Jacuzzi people but the tier has been emptying for years — friends who moved away and their role in your life hasn’t been filled, relationships that drifted due to changing priorities, a marriage that absorbed all available social energy — and they haven’t noticed until something forced them to look. A job loss or death. A divorce or a move.

This is the thing about the tiers: they require different kinds of maintenance. The water park mostly takes care of itself. Show up at places, be reasonably warm, and, attend those weddings and funerals to interact with these far-flung connections. The beach bonfire needs occasional tending — a text here, a wave there. But the bathtub and the Jacuzzi require real investment.

Random notes:

• Trader Joe’s has a new Vitamin C serum for $9.99 and it appears to be a Skinceuticals dupe. I picked it up over the weekend. It smells horrible and it’s watery, which are good signs. Vitamin C serums should smell like hot dog water! I’ve been VERY into their new dupes for higher-end products. The marula oil cleaner. The dewy serum. I want to get lunch with whoever is heading up this product category for the store. I’ll bet they’re awesome!

• I’ve been watching “For All Mankind” season 5. If you think about the premise for more than five seconds, the whole thing falls apart. Are there only a handful of families in existence that can head up interstellar space missions?? Who gets pregnant in space and chooses to raise their kid on Mars?? But, I love this ridiculous soap opera X space flight mashup.

• My husband got food poisoning this weekend, which sucks for him. But I’ve been living my best Girl Dinner life since he has zero appetite. Handfuls of berries. A package of smoked salmon. Crackers and hummus. No real dishes to do!

• I also watched the whole second season of “Last One Laughing UK” (Prime) on Saturday and I laughed so hard that I convulsed. Watching that show feels like hanging out with your funniest friends for a few hours.

Has this Bathtub framework helped you? Does having more specific names for these tiers help make friendships feel more manageable? Tell me in the comments.

Need help with untangling a friendship quandary? Leave me a message at (646) 847-9718.

We live in an era of unprecedented social guidance. There are Reddit threads on how to break up with someone you’ve been dating for three weeks. There are HR templates for firing an employee. There is, genuinely, a script for canceling your gym membership so they can’t talk you out of it. Help is truly a click away.

And yet when it comes to ending a friendship — one of the most common, most awkward experiences in adult life — we have nothing. No language. No agreed-upon protocol. Not even a word for it. We’re out here fumbling around.

This is not an accident. And the coping strategies people have invented to fill that void are very telling.

The most popular, of course, is the slow fade: reply a little later each time, stay perpetually “so busy,” leave the voice memo on read until the other person gets the hint. It can be agonizing for the person on the receiving end. The person doing it spends the whole time feeling vaguely guilty. Nobody wins, but at least nobody had to say anything out loud. I’ve had this done to me and I’ve done it back. All of these times made me feel various shades of rotten about it.

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Then there are the more elaborate workarounds. The group chat maneuver, where you don’t end the friendship so much as relocate away from it. Staying in the shared thread while making yourself scarce everywhere else, as if the group chat is a neutral Switzerland you can both continue to inhabit indefinitely.

The “I’ve been going through a lot”, which is often true and sometimes deployed as a holding pattern that can last for years. It’s putting your friendship on deferment like it’s a student loan payment.

There’s The mutual friend operation, in which you brief the entire social circle before the person in question even knows there’s a conflict. That last one isn’t an ending; it’s a campaign.

What’s notable about all of these is that they’re designed to avoid a frank conversation. Which makes sense, because we’ve never agreed, both privately within the friendship and more broadly within our culture, that a breakup conversation is required.

Romantic relationships have always been legible to our culture because they have beginnings and endings, milestones and rituals. Friendships exist largely off the books in the private contours of our lives. Which means when they end, they end off the books too. Sorry, you all, but writing that sentence just made me genuinely sad, because friendships are one of the only relationships we have in adulthood that aren’t laden with power dynamics the way relatives, bosses, employees, neighbors and children are. Friendships are an oasis from that fixed sense of pressure, a reprieve from life’s demands. But friendships can also be at a disadvantage for the same reason. They can be so ambiguous that you’re not sure what you owe one another.

It’s that not knowing that makes us pick one of these flawed strategies over another.

The slow fade exists because it’s easy, sure, but we’ve also built no alternative model. We’ve decided, collectively and without much discussion, that the most humane thing you can do for someone you’re leaving is to leave so gradually that they can barely tell when it happened.

It’s not humane. It’s just easier for the person doing the leaving. It can be confusing at best (and crushing at worst) for the person left behind.

We’ve gotten remarkably good at talking about friendship in every other context: how to make them, keep them, repair them. But ending one is still treated as either a personal failure or a private matter too awkward to address directly. So people disappear on each other and call it a season of life. Or they send a long, heartfelt text at 11pm explaining why the friendship no longer serves them, which is brave in the same way that quitting via a sticky note is brave. It’s effective, sure. But not brave.

The actual alternative is almost embarrassingly simple: brief, honest, kind. Something like “I’ve felt us growing apart and I think it makes sense to step back. I wish you well.” That’s it. You don’t have to mean it forever. You just have to say it once.

I interviewed people in my book MODERN FRIENDSHIP who wished that we could be more open to accepting that friendships end. We shouldn’t be so precious about them. Nor should we catastrophize about it. We should accept that our friends shift and change. That’s normal, and in some cases, inevitable.

The reason most people don’t say something brief, clear and warm isn’t cruelty. It’s that nobody ever told them they were allowed to, or showed them how.

That’s what I’m trying to fix.

* I’ve been pumping out more friendship content over on Instagram so find me there if that’s your thing.

* For a writing project, I’m looking to hear people’s experiences balancing their friendships with their marriage or long-term relationship. Fill out this survey if you have 10 minutes. Thank you, kindly!

The truth is, most of us have never really stopped to think about what kind of friend we are. If you’re anything like me, then you mostly focus on how other people respond to you, not how you show up for them.

This quiz won’t roast you (too much). It will, however, give you something more useful: a clear-eyed look at where you shine and where there might be a little room to grow. Answer honestly. No one’s watching.

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The Quiz

1. A friend texts, “We should hang out soon.” You:

A. Immediately reply with three date options and a Google Calendar invite link

B. Heart the message and genuinely mean to reply later, then see it again three weeks from now

C. Write back right away — but first ask how they’re doing, because “hang soon” could mean a lot of things

D. Respond within the hour with enthusiastic energy and a venue suggestion you’ve already looked up

2. Your group chat has 47 unread messages. You:

A. Scroll back to find the beginning, catch up fully, and respond to at least two specific threads

B. Send a “what did I miss?” voice note from your car

C. Read every message carefully because someone in there might actually need something

D. React with a string of thumbs-ups to signal you’re alive and supportive

3. A friend is going through a bad breakup. Your instinct is to:

A. Organize a group dinner. Connection and distraction. That’s the ticket, as my Grandma used to say.

B. Send a “thinking of you” text with every intention of calling ... eventually

C. Call them that night and stay on the phone as long as they need

D. Show up with snacks unannounced because words are great but, let’s be real, snacks are better

4. You forgot a dear friend’s birthday. You:

A. Send a belated text, feel genuinely terrible, and add a recurring reminder to your calendar immediately

B. Find out a week later and briefly consider whether to bring it up or just let it go

C. Apologize sincerely and ask if they want to talk about how they’ve been feeling lately

D. Go slightly overboard making it up to them, (i.e. flowers, cupcakes, a Cameo from their favorite bravolebrity). Hey, a late birthday is just an excuse for a second celebration!

5. A friend gets a big promotion. Your first move is:

A. Suggest a celebratory dinner and start looking at reservation options

B. Send a congratulations text that you put real thought into, even if it takes you an entire day

C. Ask them how they’re feeling about it, because big wins can be complicated

D. Tell literally everyone you know, because their success is your pride

6. You’re going through something hard. You:

A. Organize your thoughts, then reach out to one or two people when you’re ready to talk

B. Go quiet for a bit. You’ll resurface when you’re back to yourself

C. Open up pretty quickly. Processing out loud with people you trust is how you get through things

D. Downplay it a little because you don’t want to bring the energy down

7. A friend asks for your honest opinion on a big decision. You:

A. Give them a structured take with pros, cons, and a recommended next step

B. Tell them what you actually think, even if it takes you a second to figure out what that is

C. Ask a lot of clarifying questions before weighing in because you want to understand the full picture

D. Lead with support first, then gently offer a different angle if you think they need it

8. Your idea of a perfect catch-up with a close friend is:

A. A plan you made two weeks ago, a good restaurant, no phones

B. A spontaneous call that turns into two hours without you meaning it to

C. A long walk where you actually open up about what’s going on in your lives

D. Something fun (a concert, a workout class, a stroll through the farmers’ market) because being together is the point

Your Results

Mostly A’s: Whip out the clipboard because you’re The Planner

You are the reason your friend group actually sees each other. Without you, “we should hang” would remain a hypothetical forever, and everyone knows it. You bring structure, follow-through, and the kind of reliability that people quietly depend on without saying so out loud.

Your superpower is: that you show up. Consistently, on time, with a confirmed reservation.

Your blind spot is: that sometimes people need to feel heard before they need a plan. The impulse to organize can occasionally get ahead of the impulse to just sit with someone in the mess.

One thing to try: The next time a friend comes to you with a problem, resist the first fix that comes to mind and ask one more question first.

Mostly B’s: Trick or treat! You’re The Ghost

Here’s the thing about you: you are a genuinely good friend. Warm, real, low-drama. People feel comfortable around you. But your relationship with follow-through is, let’s say, complicated. You mean everything you say. You just don’t always say it on the timeline other people are hoping for.

Your superpower is: When you do show up, it counts. You’re not performative about friendship. You’re the real thing, just occasionally in airplane mode.

Your blind spot is: Absence gets interpreted as indifference, even when it isn’t. The people who care about you sometimes wonder if you care back.

One thing to try: Pick one friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to and do it today. Not a “we should catch up” provide an actual specific plan.

Mostly C’s: The Therapist Friend. How does that make you feel?

You are the person people call when something actually goes wrong. Not for logistics, not for a good time, but for the real stuff. You listen in a way that makes people feel genuinely understood, and that is rarer than most people realize.

Your superpower is: Emotional presence. You don’t flinch when things get hard, and people feel safe being honest with you.

Your blind spot is: You are probably carrying more of other people’s weight than they realize, or than you let on. And you might not be asking for the same support you give so freely.

One thing to try is: The next time you’re going through something, let someone in before you’ve already processed it on your own. Let them show up for you the way you show up for everyone else.

Mostly D’s: “Who Let the Dogs Out?” You’re The Hype Person

Your friends feel genuinely lucky to know you. You celebrate people loudly, show up with enthusiasm, and have a gift for making ordinary moments feel like events. Being around you just feels good, and that is not a small thing.

Your superpower is: You make people feel seen and celebrated. In a world where everyone is quietly hoping someone notices, you notice.

Your blind spot is: The energy you bring can sometimes keep things at the surface. Not every hangout needs to be a highlight reel, and some friends might be craving depth alongside the fun.

One thing to try is: The next time you’re with a close friend, ask them something you genuinely don’t know the answer to. Get curious about what’s actually going on in their life.

Not sure which type you are? Forward this to your closest friend and let them pick for you. Their answer will probably be more accurate than yours anyway.

On Showing Up

1. Respond to a friend’s “bid for attention” — a text, a meme, a call — even if it’s brief. Ignoring these small gestures quietly erodes the foundation of a friendship.

2. Don’t wait to be invited. If you want to see someone, reach out first. Mutual waiting is one of the most common ways adult friendships quietly die.

3. Show up in the small moments, not just the big ones. Consistent, low-stakes check-ins matter more than grand gestures at milestones.

4. When a friend is going through a hard time, don’t disappear because you don’t know what to say. Saying “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” is enough.

5. Honor the plans you make. Frequent last-minute cancellations signal to a friend that they are not a priority.

On Communication

6. Be direct about what you want from a friendship. Ambiguity is one of the biggest friendship killers in modern life — clarity is a kindness. That can look like, “Will you be my running buddy?” Or, “You’re one of my best friends and I want to keep our friendship going forever, just FYI!”

7. Stop waiting for the “right time” to reach out to a lapsed friend. A simple “I’ve been thinking about you. Can we hop on a call and catch up?” costs nothing and can mean everything.

8. When you vent to a friend, be explicit about what you’re venting about, how long it should take, and what kind of support you’re looking for before dumping everything on them. Respecting their capacity is part of being a caring friend.

9. Don’t rely solely on social media to stay connected. Liking someone’s posts is not the same as maintaining an active friendship.

10. If you haven’t seen a close friend in months, acknowledge it directly rather than pretending no time has passed. A brief “I’ve missed you, let’s fix that” goes a long way.

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On Making Time

11. Friendships require approximately 200 hours of time together to deepen into genuine closeness. Treat time with friends as an investment, not a luxury.

12. Schedule time with friends the same way you schedule appointments. Leaving friendship to spontaneity in a busy adult life is a recipe for drift.

13. When life gets hectic, even a short phone call or a walk counts. Maintenance doesn’t always require a big evening out.

14. Recognize that life transitions — new babies, moves, new jobs — create “quiet seasons” in friendships. Give grace to friends who go quiet, and gently re-emerge when the season passes. Don’t let the perfect hangout be the enemy of the good one. A quick coffee or TJ Maxx run is better than waiting for a weekend that never comes.

On Being a Curious Friend

16. Ask follow-up questions. Remembering and following up on something a friend mentioned last time you talked is one of the most powerful signals that you were actually listening.

17. Know what your friendship is “about.” Every strong friendship has a shared interest, activity, value, or experience at its core — nurture it. Label it. Give it language.

18. Stay genuinely curious about how a friend is changing over time. What are they reading, listening to, watching? People grow, and assuming you already know someone can quietly create distance.

19. Celebrate your friends’ good news with authentic enthusiasm, not comparison or deflection. Being a generous audience for someone’s joy is a skill worth developing.

20. Don’t make every conversation about yourself. A good conversational habit is to ask twice for every time you tell.

On Navigating Difficult Situations

21. If a friend hurts your feelings, say something — gently, and privately. Stewing in silence or venting to mutual friends corrodes the relationship far more than an honest conversation would.

22. Recognize a friend’s capacity for connection. Some people are simply limited in how much they can give at any moment. This is often about their circumstances, not their feelings about you.

23. If you don’t like a friend’s new partner, lead with curiosity before judgment. Your job is to remain someone your friend can come to — not to be right. I’ll say it again for the people who are skimming this list: Your job is to remain someone your friend can come to — not to be right.

24. If you’re on the receiving end of a friendship complaint, resist the urge to be defensive. Try to hear the underlying need the person is expressing.

25. A friendship that has shifted — less close than it once was — doesn’t have to be a failure. Accepting a friendship for what it is now is its own form of respect.

On Reciprocity

26. Reciprocity is the foundation of healthy friendship. If you notice a persistent imbalance — one person always initiating, one always venting — name it and try to correct it.

27. Say thank you specifically. “Thank you for checking in on me last week when things were hard” lands far better than a generic expression of gratitude.

28. Match energy thoughtfully. If a friend is clearly pulling back, don’t push harder; give them space and let them know the door is open.

29. Accept help gracefully. Refusing every offer of support denies your friends the opportunity to feel useful and close. Let people in.

30. Don’t keep a running tally of who paid for what, but do stay alert to chronic imbalance — financial, emotional, or logistical. Lopsided friendships become resentful ones.

On Friend Selection

31. Think carefully about who you actually want to be around, not just who has always been around. Wanting to be part of someone’s adventure — not just wanting company for your own — is the more important question.

32. Not every likeable person is a compatible friend for you. Shared values or activities matter more than simply enjoying someone’s company at a party.

33. Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with someone. Energy and lightness are good signs; persistent depletion is worth examining.

34. Don’t discount acquaintances. The person who could become a real friend is often sitting in the “friendquaintance” zone, waiting for someone to push things forward.

35. Cross-generational and cross-gender friendships are underrated. Friendships that don’t fit the obvious demographic template often offer the richest perspectives.

On Friendship Breakups and Letting Go

36. Not every friendship needs a dramatic ending. Some can simply be allowed to fade with kindness and without blame.

37. If a friendship has become genuinely harmful, it is acceptable to exit it. You can do so with care, but you are not obligated to maintain a connection that consistently costs you more than it gives.

38. If a friend ghosts you, resist the urge to catastrophize. Reach out once, warmly and without accusation, and leave the door open. People go quiet for many reasons that have nothing to do with you.

39. Heal from friendship breakups with the same seriousness you’d give a romantic one. The grief is real, and dismissing it doesn’t speed recovery. It helps to write down what lessons you’re grateful the friendship taught you.

40. Resist the urge to re-litigate ended friendships with mutual friends. It rarely helps and often makes everyone feel worse.

On Setting Up Friendships for Success

41. Set reasonable and explicit expectations. Friends who know what you need — a vent, a solution, a distraction — can actually provide it.

42. Build structure into your friendships. A standing monthly dinner, a recurring walk, a shared TV show: routine creates the conditions for closeness and removes uncertainty on when you’ll meet next and what you’ll discuss.

43. Be flexible about format. If an in-person hangout isn’t possible, a voice note, a phone call, or even a long text thread can maintain warmth and connection.

44. Introduce your friends to each other. Expanding the social web creates resilience — friendships that exist in a wider community are less fragile than purely one-on-one bonds.

45. Create a “friendship cleanse” moment for yourself periodically — take stock of which friendships are thriving, which need attention, and which you’ve been unfairly neglecting.

On Being a Wholehearted Friend

46. Be caring: notice when something is off with a friend and say so. “You seem a little quieter than usual — are you okay?” takes five seconds and can mean the world.

47. Be curious: approach your friends’ lives, choices, and phases without judgment. Curiosity, not evaluation, is what keeps friendships from getting stale.

48. Be appreciative: tell people specifically what you love about them and your friendship. Adults rarely hear this, and it’s one of the most direct ways to deepen a bond.

49. Be supportive: find out what “support” actually means to the person in front of you. For some it’s wise advice, for others it’s quiet presence, and for others it’s frothy distraction. Ask before assuming.

50. Remember that friendship is not something that just happens to you — it is a set of intentional, daily choices. Your friendships are the sum total of the decisions you’ve made in the past, the choices you make today, and the things you plan for in the future.

These principles draw directly from my book Modern Friendship, this Substack, Friendship Explained, and my own research and reporting. For deeper guidance, my book includes a full 14-day Wholehearted Friendship Cleanse with exercises for each of these areas.

Is there anything you’d add to this list? Tell me in the comments.

There are actually all different levels and categories of friends. For instance, there are active and nostalgic friends. There are also different tiers of intimacy. In my book MODERN FRIENDSHIP, I call them bathtub, jacuzzi, swimming pool, beach bonfire, and water park friends. Expectations are different for each group.

Understanding the variety of tiers will let you know how to manage the network of connections you’ve built. With this knowledge comes peace of mind.

#4. Churn is high.

Studies show we lose half of our friends every 7 years. It’s never been easier to shed friends. Why? Keep reading.

#3. Desire is fleeting.

In my research, I learned that every active friendship requires a clear and compelling reason to remain active. These reasons can change, be outdated, or be absent.

When we understand how desire functions in a friendship, we can negotiate with our friends and find reasons that’ll make both of you excited to get together.

#2. Anxiety is rampant.

We know who our bosses are, who is in our family, and who we’re in romantic relationships with. Friends? That’s way murkier. We don’t have formal rituals or status designations for our friendships, unlike those for other relationships.

Since uncertainty creates anxiety, is it any wonder that modern friendships are stressing everyone the fuck out?

#1. Overwhelm is EVERYWHERE.

It’s increasingly common to maintain contact with your nostalgic friendships on social media. These friends might share a common history with you, but––crucially––not with the other people in your life. That creates a sense of disconnection and alienation.

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The Good News

My book MODERN FRIENDSHIP will help you understand why our friendships are being pushed to the brink – and give you the tools to thrive. I’ll give you scripts, exercises, and even a 14-day cleanse to make big changes quickly.

In fact, I’m so dedicated to helping you all understand your friendships, I’m launching a FREE Friendship Helpline. Behold:

Why am I doing this?

Because I genuinely want to help people figure out their friendships.

How much is it?

Girl, it’s free.

However, if you dig my advice and you’re like, *MIND BLOWN*, kindly read my book, MODERN FRIENDSHIP, or leave a review for it on Amazon and/or Goodreads.

Wanna know more? Click here.

Three Things I Love and Two Things I Hate

Watching podcasts on YouTube - It turns out I’m a visual person and I really like watching podcast hosts chat with one another. It feel more like a hangout to me.

Putting whipped cream directly in my mouth from the nozzle - I will never stop doing this. Ever. My favorite is to maintain eye contact with one of my cats while I do it. Don’t judge me, Iggy!!

Badly in Love (Netflix) - A dating show where Japanese adults with sketchy backgrounds date one another. Here’s the trailer:

It’s very low-key viewing and I’m starting to get invested in the people. It’s pretty raw at times. Anyone else watch this? Thoughts?

Two things I hate:

Hot honey - It’s the Jacob Elordi of condiments. I thought there’d be more instances where I’d want something “sweet and spicy” to pump up various foodstuffs. But they haven’t materialized! I don’t get the hype.

You’re probably wondering what other condiment/celebrity combos are out there. Timothee Chalamet is Heinz Ketchup. Zendaya is honey mustard. Okay, let me send this newsletter out so I can just order lunch already.

How expensive Spouts is - I want to love Sprouts, Whole Food’s crunchier, more pretentious, younger sister grocery store, but man, it is NOT cheap. And their aisles are all zig-zaggy. But I do like their old-timey barrels of snacks that line the front of the store. The siren call of chocolate-covered brownie bites by the pound calls to me. I’m a weak woman!!

To be clear, neither message is controversial; I was more struck by the positioning:

I had whiplash making Kombucha lady faces reading these Threads. (Oof. What a terrible sentence.)

After the first message, I was like, “Awww! Reach out, yes! Communication FTW.”

Then the second message made me go, “fuck everyone! Let them miss me.”

This reflects the contradictory messages we receive about friendship (and relationships in general) ALL THE TIME.

Option #1: Reach out and extend grace when we don’t understand a friend’s behavior

Option #2: Peace out when we experience discomfort or disrespect at the hands of a friend

How do we know which strategy to apply? Is it any wonder why relationships have become so fraught?

Obviously toxic partners and jobs aren’t in this realm. Some situations are definitely worth leaving. I’m not disputing that. But friendships certainly wade into these murky waters.

The real question at the heart of these two threads is: How can I take my power back?

The real way to feel empowered in friendships is to ask yourself: what are the clear and compelling reasons that the relationship exists? In other words, why are we in the friendship in the first place?

If the reasons aren’t clear or aren’t compelling, we tend to disengage. We’re not going to fight for it. It’ll fizzle out.

If the reasons the relationship exist are clear and are compelling, we tend to put more effort into resolving the conflict.

That’s how you decide (subconsciously, at least) which relationships are worth fighting for.

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A few things:

• The new season of Love is Blind had me obsessed. I was like, “Hold my calls, 1Eleanor! I must watch this entire season now.” None of these people should be in the dating pool. It was a very enjoyable season to watch and I only fast-forwarded through a few scenes, which is about the highest praise LIB can get from me.

• A new ice cream place opened by my house and they offer ice cream cake crumbles as a topping. This is fulfilling my life-long dream of having a Carvel cake-ish ice cream experience on demand. I haven’t tried this place yet but I’m eager to see if it lives up to my expectations.

• The only other ice cream-related dream I have is to try Rice Krispie Treat ice cream, which I can’t believe isn’t a thing. Well, it turns out that it IS a thing and my local Acme sells it.

  

  I tried it last week and I regret to inform you that it was pretty bland. And there were only sparse amounts of RKTs in the airy ice cream base. No thank you!

  Is a marshmellow-flavored ice cream packed with RKTs too much to ask? Why can’t billionaires solve these kinds of issues for the common man???

I’ve spent the last few months decompressing from promoting my book the past year and change. I haven’t written anything, which feels bad because I’m a writer. I haven’t done much social media, which feels bad because I’m an author.

I’ve learned the best response I can have to those guilty feelings is to rest. And, actually, to spend time with my friends. I helped my best friend pick out a new car last weekend. I had lunch the other week with a wonderful new friend. I’ve been deepening my friendship with a bestie who lives across the country. I made plans to visit one of my oldest, dearest friends in Richmond next weekend.

Spending time with friends quiets the voice in my head telling me I’m not doing enough. Being around people I love is a gift I give myself and it is NEVER time wasted.

A reminder: Everyone is tired right now. And everyone needs a really good friend. Go be a wonderful friend to the most awesome people you can find.

In our half-hour chat, we discussed Gila's book, the challenges of writing about personal experiences, the impact of generational trauma, and the significance of breast health awareness. We also laughed a lot!

In the first part of our chat, Gila explained how she took proactive measures against breast cancer due to her family history and genetic predisposition, including genetic testing, preventative double mastectomy, and ovary removal. Despite these efforts, she was diagnosed with early but aggressive breast cancer at age 34.

Check out the clip below, where she talks about taking control of her health:

Next, Gila discussed her journey of writing a book, starting with a seed planted during a significant moment in her life. She shared her experiences of working in fashion marketing, focusing on her family, and eventually pursuing her passion for writing.

She also talked about the feedback she received from the breast cancer and religious communities, and how the book's focus on friendship resonated with readers.

Then, Gila shared her meticulous writing process, which involved interviewing family members and friends to ensure the accuracy of the details in her memoir. Here’s a clip:

Next, Gila discussed the challenges of writing about her parents, particularly in portraying herself in an unflattering light. She emphasized the importance of honoring her parents' memories and respecting her siblings and the next generation.

Gila also shared her experiences with loss and how it has impacted her life and her advocacy for breast cancer prevention. She shared her family's Holocaust experiences and how the generational trauma has affected her.

Then, we talked about how her community, particularly friends, supported her during her cancer treatment. Here’s a clip:

Next, we discussed the importance of understanding what a person going through a difficult time needs, rather than assuming what they want, and the need for self-preservation during difficult times and the importance of having the right people around to provide support.

Here’s her explaining how to support friends in crisis the right way:

Finally, we touched on the significance of breast health awareness and encouraged readers to spread the word. Head to her website for more breast cancer awareness resources.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us, Gila!

Buy her book Nearly Departed anywhere books are sold.

The lyrics on The Blue Album had a very stream-of-consciousness approach, (which I personally loved), but other people critiqued it, saying the songwriting lacked emotion.

In response, Cuomo decided to open up about his life in his next album, Pinkerton.

Boy, did he ever!

Cuomo WENT THERE on Pinkerton. His lyrics were raw and vulnerable, as if read verbatim from his diary. Like from the song “Across the Sea”:

They don't make stationery like this where I'm from
So fragile, so refined
So I sniff and I lick your envelope
And fall to little pieces every time
I wonder what clothes you wear to school
I wonder how you decorate your room
I wonder how you touch yourself
And curse myself for being across the sea

Dude. Duuuuuude.

In OOF news, Pinkerton was a critical and commercial failure. It was panned and ridiculed. In fact, it was named one of the worst albums of the year in a Rolling Stone magazine readers’ poll. Yikes!!!

Cuomo had taken a big risk and was mocked for it. In response, he picked up his bindle, went to Harvard for a few years and retreated into himself. (Sad Harvard Rivers Cuomo is my favorite version of him although he sounds like he’d be a handful to date. More on that later!)

He even wrote about this fraught time at length in his letter to Harvard titled “What I’ve Been Up To Since I Left School”. It’s quite a read!

After the initial failure of my band’s second album, Pinkerton, I decided not to return to school in the fall of 1997, instead setting out on a mission to develop creative methods which would allow me to be more consistent as an artist. Above all, I wanted to cure myself of the Romanticism which I believed was to blame for my failure.

Oh man! That’s heavy. He even says:

At first, I maintained a relatively normal social life, playing and coaching soccer and continuing my classical piano studies with Bruce Sutherland. Eventually, however, I became more and more isolated. I unplugged my phone. I painted the walls and ceiling of my bedroom black and covered the windows with fiberglass insulation. I disciplined myself to the extreme. My goal was to purge myself of all weakness so that I could write “perfect” songs as reliably as a machine.

As an aside, if you’re in a relationship with someone who starts talking like this, girl, RUN. This shit is above your pay grade!!!

Years passed before Cuomo released new songs, and this time, the lyrics were impersonal, vague and detached, which he hoped this would make him less susceptible to ridicule.

His strategy worked. Weezer’s third album, The Green Album, went platinum, thanks to the singles “Hash Pipe” and “Island in the Sun." Look at these lyrics:

We'll run away together
We'll spend some time forever
We'll never feel bad anymore

Hip-hip

These lyrics are 1000% less creepy, sure, but they also do feel written by a machine, which was his stated goal. Congrats to the team!!

Oh, Fuck

However, to his horror, as Weezer reached the top of the charts again, Pinkerton was having a resurgance. He was not stoked about this development. He was like, “Um, guys. This record was a personal low-point for me and I don’t want to think about those songs ever again. K thanks.”

But his fans didn’t relent. The clamor for Pinkerton only got louder, which was painful for him. However, Weezer went on to release several more studio albums, selling millions of albums and enjoying a spate of chart-topping singles.

Failure is perception, not fact

Weezer’s story is interesting to me because ultimately, the Pinkerton album wasn’t a failure, despite being misjudged at release. Its confessional lyrics are now seen as ahead of their time. Some even credit the album for soft-launching the emo genre.

Pinkerton felt like a failure for Cuomo because The Blue Album was such a soaring success. But feelings of failure are not a fact; they’re relative. They exist in conversation with past feelings of success.

Stunningly, (is that a word?), the deluxe release of Pinkerton has an impressive 100% score on Metacritic.

People legit love this album!

Cuomo’s feelings about Pinkerton have mellowed. He recently said in an interview he’d even be open to playing the album live again, something he swore off for literal years.

Meet Diablo Cody

As Cuomo was navigating these feelings of failure and success in the music industry, another artist was about to make waves in the film world.

In 2007, Diablo Cody (real name: Brooke Maurio) was on top of the world. She had just won an Oscar for writing the screenplay for Juno, a movie about a pregnant teenager starring Elliot Page. She was hailed as one of “the most original voices that Hollywood had heard in years”. The film grossed $143.5 million and scored 94 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

If you’re not familiar with , here’s an old bio I found online:

“Diablo Cody penned her screenplay debut Juno while working as a phone sex operator/insurance adjuster in Minneapolis. She did not attend Harvard. She is the author of the infamous and critically acclaimed memoir Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper. She lives in Los Angeles."

Clearly, she has spunk.

Her follow-up film to Juno, Jennifer’s Body, was released in 2009. It grossed $16.2 million and has a 45 percent score on Rotten Tomatoes. Listen, it’s not Pinkerton-levels of underperformance, but it was definitely a decline from her Oscar-winning debut.

Cody was unfazed by the unfavorable response to her follow-up film. She knew the movie was more niche than Juno.

To protect herself from the impending critical blowback, she said she stopped Googling herself the day the movie came out in an effort to buffer herself from criticism. Still, she wouldn’t change anything about working on the movie, she said.

What I love about Diablo’s attitude was that she didn’t retreat into a ball, sell all her possessions, and drop out of life *cough, like Rivers Cuomo, cough* She rolled with the punches and kept working!

She fought for Jennifer’s Body and was alarmed when she saw that the movie was being incorrectly marketed to appeal to boys who liked sexpot star Megan Fox, not savvy girls who liked satire and horror films. Regardless, she didn’t let her sophmore slump-y kerfuffle sink her. Look at her professional track record:

· Young Adult (2011) starring Charlize Theron grossed $16.3 million and scored an 80 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

· Her directorial debut, Paradise (2013), grossed a paltry $6,000 and scored a dismal 21 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

· Ricki and the Flash (2015) starring Meryl Streep netted $26.8 million and scored 64 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

· Tully (2018), grossed $9.2 million and scored an 87 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

These are a lot of numbers and figures I just tossed at you. The point is that you can see that her career has had its peaks and valleys. That takes real bravery!!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY

What sticks out to me is that Diablo Cody has steadily kept working. She cranked out projects every few years, expanded her role from writer to director to producer. In her career, she’s evolved and thrived. To do this, I imagine she had to redefine success on her terms.

Bustle even asked last year, “Are we finally ready for Diablo Cody?”, where they laid out her impressive achievements:

She’s built an enduring career in Hollywood, having created one award-winning TV show with the help of Steven Spielberg (United States of Tara), another with Tig Notaro (One Mississippi), and tried her hand at directing (Paradise), though she didn’t much care for it. She picked up a Tony for writing the book for an Alanis Morissette jukebox musical, Jagged Little Pill, and she’s written five more movies, too, two of which were directed by Reitman: 2011’s Young Adult and 2018’s Tully, both starring Charlize Theron.

And, strikingly, Jennifer’s Body has bounced back in public perception too. It’s now called “iconic” and “a feminist masterpiece”.

Where are you going with this, Anna?

What do Pinkerton and Jennifer’s Body have to do with friendship?

These examples illuminate how our perceptions around success and failure impact our motivation to keep going.

We need to update our expectations about what success in a friendship looks like, too.

Sure, you might’ve had some hiccups in your friendships before, maybe even some spectacular fallouts, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t keep going and evolving as a friend.

Imagine you had amazing friendships in your youth. Your Blue Albums and Junos, friendship-wise. Then you hit a pothole, and the wheels came off the bus. You could retreat and vow to never put your whole self into a friendship again. You could decide to keep friends at arms length from now on. To be less human in your relationships, to be a machine.

OR, you can learn from the heartbreak, pick yourself up and keep going.

Not every friendship is going to be a chartbuster that reaches stratospheric heights. Some are going to be fun little projects that teach you about yourself and the world. Some are going to be deeply meaningful and change you forever in ways you can’t predict. Most will be something in between.

And, more importantly, friendships might look differently as you age and your priorities shift. Your closest friendships might come in different packages than you expect, like with different genders or people of different generations or pets or children.

Rigid Friendship

• Dominating. “If it doesn’t look exactly as I picture it, it won’t be worth my time.”

• Black-or-white thinking like, “We’re either best friends or nothing.”

Flexible Friendship

• Open to things looking different. Maybe it’s more coffees and walks instead of dinners and clubbing. Maybe it’s enjoying time with different ages and genders (or species!).

• Curious. Seeing if there are ways to become closer that make sense for both friends today.

My hope is that books like mine will help you on your quest to keep going so you can have lifelong success by staying true to who you are while making incredible friendships along the way, whatever they look like today.

Things like:

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make others happy. One of the best ways to others happy is to be happy yourself.

What we do every day matters more than what we do once in a while

We know if something is important to us if it shows up in our schedule, our spending and our space.

In our half-hour chat, we talked about:

• Friendship in the past vs. present

• Challenges in modern friendship

  • Lack of automatic community support (e.g., synagogues, churches) for maintaining friendships.

  • Individuals must actively choose and justify each friendship.

  • The "spoke network" model: individuals are at the center with different branches of friends who don't share common history or density.

  • Diversity in relationships can make friendships harder to maintain due to differing backgrounds and priorities.

  • The "about" of a friendship: a clear and compelling shared purpose or interest is crucial for its activation and endurance.

• The concept of "about": Every friendship needs a clear and compelling "about" (a shared interest or purpose) that makes it worthwhile for both individuals.

• The "working together often builds friendships faster than having fun together" aphorism.

  • Gretchen's interpretation: sustained collaboration can lead to deeper liking and closeness over time, even with initial differences.

  • Anna's interpretation: working towards a shared goal acts as "cement" that keeps the friendship active and compelling.

• Hollywood Walk of Fame Speeches (Matthew McConaughey and Guy Fieri):

• The "modern friendship paradox": We have the means to connect (phones full of contacts) but often choose not to.

• The failure of language: The word "friend" is too ambiguous, leading to confusion and unmet expectations.

• Individual agency: Focus on what individuals can understand and do in their own situations rather than blaming broader trends.

• Cultivating likability: While some people are inherently "likable," investing in communities and offering something of value can attract friends.

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Thank you so much for chatting with me, Gretchen! She’s hosting a special day tomorrow, June 25th, as her #Read25in25 day, which was created to encourage people to read silently for 25 minutes. Join her in celebrating!

• “You should quit your job.”

• ”You should tell him to fuck right off.”

• “Just stop thinking about it.”

• “You should be over this by now.”

What Reality Bites gets right: Most of us are not taught how to support a friend who’s riding on the strugglebus. It’s distressing to see your friend in pain.

Sometimes in a state of panic, we blurt out platitudes –– it’s called toxic positivity or dismissive positivity –– hoping we can convince our friend that their bad situation is actually a good situation. I wrote about this very thing a while back for The New York Times (gift link).

You’re not a bad friend for not knowing what to say when a friend is hurting. And you might experience anxiety for not knowing how to handle things perfectly.

Why this is a problem: Friendships are an entirely optional relationship, which makes them fragile. It can feel risky to give a friend tough love. Maybe they won’t handle your words well. Maybe they’ll withdraw from you and never come back.

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Do this instead: The best way to support your friend going through a hard time is to just be present. You don’t have to whip out a Powerpoint presentation about how losing their job is actually a great opportunity in disguise. Or losing their relationship means they can spend more time re-watching The Sopranos this summer, which has been their stated summer goal for the past three years.

How to apply this to your friendships: Be at teammate, not a coach. Don’t try to solve anything. Just acknowledge the distress.

• “Oof. That’s disappointing. I hate it for you.”

• “That sounds really difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through this”

• “I’m gutted for you. That’s heartbreaking. Fuck.”

Then, offer support. Food and drinks are great for giving people comfort.

• “I just made some brownies. Why don’t I bring some over and you can tell me more about it.”

• “It sounds like we need some fully loaded nachos to fully process this. Come over and I’ll make some for us. I have a new salsa I got at the farmer’s market. Let’s crack it open.”

• “Listen, I just got some fancy olives. Come over and I’ll make you a martini. We can talk more about it, or you can just cuddle my dog and be a pile of sad.”

Or, make a small gesture to show you see their distress.

• Make a donation to a local animal shelter. “I’m so sorry you lost Fluffy. I made a donation in her honor.”

• Send over some chocolate or jelly beans with a little note: “I’m sorry life is hard right now. You’re a wonderful friend and I’m here for you, always.”

• Send them a gift card to Starbucks with a note: “I know today’s a hard day. Get something with lots of whipped cream!! I love you!”

Homework: Next time you see your friend having a tough time, just be attentive and present. Don’t sputter out platitudes designed to soothe your own anxiety instead of your friend’s distress.

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Three things I’m digging:

Vaseline Dry Hands Rescue Cream ($6 at Target) - This fragrance-free beauty is only $6 for a shit ton of product. It’s unscented and absorbs like a dream.

Culinary Class Wars (Netflix) - My brother-in-law suggested I watch this great cooking competion show on Netflix. I was determined to take his bid because that’s what I encourage people to do in my book. Look at me taking my own advice! However, I misheard him and watched 24 in 24: Last Chef Standing on Max.

It was a fairly hilarous converstation when I told him I took his suggestion. “I watched that chef’s competion show you suggested. 24 in 24, right?”

“What are you talking about??”

It took a few seconds for me to realize that I watched an entire other show mistakenly. 24 in 24 is an American show on Max. Culinary Class Wars is a Korean show on Netflix. Both were very good and Culinary Class Wars was especially rewarding to watch.

The Dogist Merch - I had the enormous pleasure of moderating some events with The Dogist last week in NYC, Philly and Boston. I’m heading to Chicago this weekend to moderate their event on Monday at Thalia Hall. It’s been wonderful talking with everyone about their friendships with man’s best friend! I’m actually wearing the DOG hat right now which feels a little bit like I’m repping an opposite sports team because I’m an avowed cat lady.

You can find me on:

• The Art of Charm
  Here’s the episode description: ”Modern life has made friendship feel more confusing, fragile, and isolating than ever. In this episode, journalist and author Anna Goldfarb joins us to unpack the paradox of modern friendship — why we’re lonelier despite being more connected, and what we can do to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

  
  Anna shares her “Triple D” framework (Desire, Diligence, Delight) and breaks down the hidden architecture of great friendships: clear aboutness, healthy compartmentalization, emotional maturity, and the courage to reconnect.

  Whether you’re tired of being everyone’s unpaid therapist or simply wondering how to revive a drifting connection, this episode gives you the practical tools and emotional insight to reset your social life — no cringe required.”

• In Business Insider talking about how different generations practice friendship: "This is brand new culturally, historically," Anna Goldfarb, the author of "Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections," told me of the confluence of friends and location-sharing technology. "And it makes sense that people are like, 'what does this mean?' This is something we haven't ever had that technology to do before — much less the space and freedom to do it."

• Gretchen Rubin is reading my book, which is amazingly flattering. I had the extreme pleasure of interviewing her about her new book, Secrets of Adulthood, for this newsletter and our conversation got pretty spicy! I’ll post it tomorrow.

Do you have a favorite way to comfort your friends? Tell me in the comments!

Until next time,

Your buddy,

Anna

I'm thrilled to sit down with author to chat about her latest novel, Save the Date. Known for her sharp wit and relatable storytelling, her new book has the perfect blend of humor, heart, and the kind of romantic complications most of us can relate to! It’s a perfect beach read.

Whether you're already a fan of Allison's work or discovering her for the first time, you're in for a treat as we dive into the inspiration behind Save the Date, her writing process, and making the best of a broken engagement. Our conversation has been lightly edited for length and clarity.

Anna: Why write a rom-com? Why now?

Allison: I have always loudly loved rom-coms. And I have written a few as feature scripts before. But I didn’t venture into the rom-com book world until I had the right story to tell. SAVE THE DATE is loosely based off my own broken engagement. The idea came from a joke my dad made back in 2020 about finding a new groom in time for my wedding date. I knew this was not a good idea for me to do in real life, but, oh man, would it be fun to turn into a novel. I feel so lucky that I got to explore what I’ve referred to as a “multi-verse version” of my life. I’m also extremely grateful to have the opportunity to write another rom-com that will (hopefully) come out next year. Romance readers are voracious, and I am so excited to be part of this genre.

Anna: Did any characters surprise you by developing in unexpected ways during the writing of the novel?

Allison: Emma’s sister, Jackie, had more of her own arc than I had originally planned. I really enjoyed fleshing her out and leaning into her skills as a social media whiz. She became very central to the story.

Anna: What research did you do to ensure the authenticity of the wedding planning and relationship elements in the book?

Allison: Honestly, the only research I did was planning one (and a half) weddings for myself. I sold the book two months before I got married, so I had just been through the process when I finished the manuscript. In terms of the relationship elements, I pulled from my own experiences, previous research I did for my two non-fiction books and parts of what I learned while getting my master’s in psychology. So, in some ways, I didn’t have to do any research for this one. But in other ways, I was preparing for it for years!

Anna: How did you balance humor and the more serious emotional moments in your storytelling?

Allison: I am a big proponent of always infusing humor in my writing because I find it more reflective of reality. Life is made up of moments of hardship followed by a dark joke or ridiculous situation. If we can toggle back and forth as people in the real world, I think we can do it as readers too. Plus, it is a lot easier to talk about tough topics when we don’t take ourselves so seriously.

Anna: Are there any wedding, dating or relationship tropes you deliberately wanted to challenge or subvert in this book?

Allison: Emma is much more focused on getting married than planning a wedding. So much so in fact, that her dad takes over planning the big day so she can focus on finding a husband. The details of the wedding itself are rather negligible, which might be unexpected in a book called “Save The Date.”

Anna: What do you hope readers will take away from "Save the Date"?

Allison: Part of what I wanted to do with this book was explore some big ideas around love and marriage in Western society. I tried to challenge the idea that everyone has to follow the same pre-approved path when finding their life-partners. The length of time you know someone isn’t the most important factor when making your decision. At the same time, I wanted to push back against the idea that marriage in and if itself makes you “safe.” But ultimately, my biggest goal was showing people that just because one person rejects you, it doesn’t mean you have to give up on the life you want.

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Anna: Which scene in the book was the most challenging to write?

Allison: I had never written explicit sex scenes before! And, spoiler alert, I still haven’t really. SAVE THE DATE is what’s referred to as a closed-door romance where most of the spicy stuff takes place off the page. But I still needed to write a good amount of sexual tension and the lead up to their romp, which definitely pushed me in a new direction. I tried not to judge myself and follow what felt right for the characters and tone. That said, I did giggle a bit.

Anna: Are there any Easter eggs or subtle details in the book that you're particularly excited for readers to discover?

Allison: Not Easter eggs per say, but I do have a fun relationship with my current audience where they know a lot about me through my other work. This book is filled with some details and stories that are completely made up and some that are (very) close to the truth. I hope it will be fun for them to try to decipher which is which!

Thanks, Allison! Pick up her book anywhere books are sold.

You can find me:

• Sharing friendship hot takes with my local Fox 29 news anchors on their show, The Ladies Room

• Dropping knowledge about money troubles in friendships for Philadelphia Magazine

• The challenges of modern friendships in The Independent

Until next time!

Your buddy,
Anna

Next time you don’t know what to say to a friend who’s had a setback or is going through a hard time, share a fantasy with them. This strategy works well if you can’t physically be with your friend soon, but want to comfort them without giving empty platitudes.

On a drab day:

• I wish we were in a laying on a beach sipping pina coladas right now

• I wish we were camping under the stars, miles away from civilization

• I wish we could leave our jobs and go to Italy for a month to eat pasta and flirt with the locals

During a tough time:

• I wish we were on my couch together eating Thai food and watching Vanderpump Rules

• I wish we could take the day off to get massages and eat comically oversized salads

When they’re in pain:

• I wish I could take all your pain away and give you the biggest hug

When they’re lonely:

• I wish I lived next door to you so we could drink coffee on your porch every morning

Why this works

Dreaming aloud not only re-enforces your friendship, it also highlights your commonalities: you and me are so alike. We enjoy the same things. I’m still your person.

Things to Read

Nearly Departed by Gila Pfeffer. A tremendous, un-put-down-able memoir about one woman’s journey fighting breast cancer. I interviewed Gila for this Substack so that’ll come out soon!

My friend Angelica Ferrara’s fantastic piece in Aeon Magazine: “Too many men lack close friendships. What’s holding them back?” Men are on the strugglebus and here’s why!

This New Yorker article that asks: Can the Human Body Endure a Voyage to Mars? The answer is *collar tug* probably not?

Things to Watch

Love on the Spectrum (Netflix) - A perfect show. No notes.

Last One Laughing (Prime) - 10 comedians. One rule: don’t laugh! I’ve watched the UK one, the Canadian one and now I’m watching the Australian one. A GEM.

Thanks for reading!

Your buddy,

Anna

Dear Anna,

I don't know why my best friend sucks so badly. She skipped out on my birthday celebration on Saturday because she attended a protest. Her attending a protest is fine, but then she was pooped and didn't want to go out at night since she'd had such a long day. I know there will be other protests, but my birthday only comes around once a freakin year! I would have NEVER done this to her and I know if I did she would be very disappointed.

We had brunch planned for the following day, which she was planning on coming to, but I texted her and basically told her not to come and that it was just going to be me and my boyfriend. I didn't want to see her face. The celebration was the night before; I didn't have any energy and was hungover and miserable.

She is supposed to be my best friend, I don't want to only be able to hang out with her for brunch for one hour on a Sunday and then retire to the couch the rest of the day; that's not really celebrating with me. So yeah, I was really disappointed and angry.

My actual birthday was on Monday (March 24th), but who celebrates on a Monday? She wished me a happy birthday over text on Monday and I didn't even respond. I know that maybe I am being immature by giving her the silent treatment. But I am just not over being disappointed by her. She disappoints me more often than not.

But our friendship means so much to me and she 100% meets your Desire, Diligence and Delight requirements for hanging onto a friendship. So I don't really know what to do here. I have been super vocal over the years with her (we've been friends almost 10 years) about the things that she does that hurt me. And I feel like if she would have just thought about it, she would have easily realized that going out all day to protest was going to drain her, resulting in her not wanting to go out and celebrate my birthday at night.

I don't think I should need to tell her like, "hey, you know it hurt my feelings that you didn't come out with me for my birthday because you chose to protest during the day," as I feel she isn't stupid and should already know this - it's not rocket science.

We've had to take year-long breaks in the past but I'm really ready to throw in the towel on this one. I'm so tired of having heartfelt conversations with her over the years and being patient with her when she makes the same mistakes. I feel like this relationship is one-sided and it's not fair to me. But I've also never connected with any other woman in the same way and I am just so upset that our friendship might need to end because she is so selfish and thoughtless. What should I do?

Thank you so much for your time,
Annoyed and Hurt

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Oooooh, boy. I had so many thoughts on this that I whipped out my lipstick and made a long-ish video! Pull up a chair.

The TL:DL version is:

1. It’s okay to feel disappointed but it’s on you to manage your hurt feelings. It wasn’t appropriate to be petty towards your friend when she was honest about how she was feeling.

2. A better response to your friend bowing out would’ve been: “I’m disappointed you can’t make it tonight but I’m really excited to celebrate with you tomorrow. See you then!”

3. Ignoring her happy birthday text message was immature. She wasn’t selfish and thoughtless –– she was ready to celebrate your birthday with you at brunch and she texted you well wishes. We need to be flexible with our friends!

4. It’s not to late to salvage this. You can tell her, “I apolgize for ignoring your happy birthday text. I was hurt that you couldn’t attend my party and reacted poorly. Please forgive me. I value your friendship deeply and want to make it up to you. How about we do our own thing to celebrate?”

Tell me your thoughts about the situation in the comments. I’m eager to hear!

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Though I don’t address this particular issue in my book, MODERN FRIENDSHIP, I do explain why maintaining cross-gender friendships can be so fraught for men and women. Hopefully this will shed some light on your own friendships. Read the excerpt below.

While we’ve made strides in befriending other genders, we aren’t socialized to fight for them.

All through my twenties, I had several close friendships with men who were like brothers to me. We’d stuck by each other’s side through typical twenties ups and downs like job changes, life stresses, and heartbreaks. But as we reached our early thirties, our solo hangouts dwindled, friendly texts went unanswered, and my upbeat emails (“Dude, I miss you! It’s been too long. I miss your face. Let’s hang!”) were met with the digital equivalent of crickets. These friendships ended with a pitiful hiss, which was both confusing and painful. It never crossed my mind that these friendships would eventually tank, as we had maintained a closeness through so much turmoil in our twenties. In a Carrie Bradshaw-esque way, I couldn’t help but wonder what was it about now that made these guy friends bail?

According to a 2016 study coauthored by British anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, most adults shed friends after twenty-five, with men shedding friends at a slightly higher rate. But unlike my friendships with women, where there’s usually a reason for the dissolution, like incompatible lifestyles or shifting professional and personal goals, I couldn’t find any reasons I’d split with my male friends. We still liked doing the same things—gabbing about our jobs, discussing obscure indie movies, and geeking out over recent NASA discoveries. I couldn’t understand why these guy friends were fleeing from me en masse.

A 2021 survey conducted by the Survey Center on American Life found that only 43 percent of married women—and 54 percent of married men— say they have a close friend who is a different gender. Meanwhile, nearly two-thirds of unmarried, single women say they have a close male friend. Clearly, marriage is an obstacle that the majority of different-gendered friendships can’t overcome.

Shasta Nelson, relationship expert and author of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness, knows how painful these changes in friendships can be. In fact, she says friendships ending often hurts more than romantic relationships: “To add to the complexity, the closure isn’t as defined or clear as it is when dating someone so the grief can feel more confusing.”

When it comes to cross-gender friendships, Nelson says the two most common challenges she hears expressed are:

(1) having the courage to have an honest conversation about shared intentions and expectations in the cross-sex friendship to ensure both people are on the same page

(2) navigating that cross-gender friendship when one or both people are in romantic relationships with others.

According to Nelson, platonic female friends can often be perceived as suspicious, with many women “feeling threatened when it comes to their boyfriends having close female friends.” It’s a bummer for both women like me, who have this cloud of suspicion over a platonic friendship with a cis-male friend, and women who aren’t comfortable with their partners having intimate relationships with other women. We all lose out in this dynamic.

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Dr. Geoff Greif, author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships and distinguished professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, said the biggest problem couples in their late twenties and early thirties face is how they choose to spend their spare time. Between friends, romantic partners, children, other couples, and alone time, something’s got to give.

“If I’m going to drop somebody and I don’t have a lot of time, I’m going to drop the person that could potentially be most troublesome to my marriage,” Dr. Greif told me in an interview. If you’re a cis-male, “that’s going to be a [friendship with a] woman, perhaps.”

Dr. Greif points out that when relationships — platonic and romantic — go south, most men split, as they aren’t socialized to fight for friendships. So when friendship issues arise with female friends, men have no clue how to address them.

“I don’t know how much training men have had in having a breakup friendship conversation with men, and they certainly have not had it with women. Most of us aren’t going to have that conversation,” Dr. Greif said. “We’re going to let things drift and drag and end in some way.”

Maybe my guy friends didn’t reject me because they didn’t find value in our friendship. They might have just been unequipped to handle those tough conversations because it would put their new romantic relationship in a bad light. And instead of risking conflict with both me and their new partner, they opted to put their partner’s feelings first and place our friendship on the back burner.

So are these cross-gender friendships doomed from the start? Do they crumble as soon as we settle down in our thirties? Ms. Nelson doesn’t think so. “It’s appropriate for our relationships to ebb and flow at different times in our lives, which means that while our consistency may not be what it used to be, it doesn’t mean we can’t create a new normal that over time can still be a meaningful support for each of us.”

Nelson has some words of encouragement for those that notice their cross-gender friendships waning: “What I think is most important is to remember there are different levels of friendship. I teach [a spectrum of] one to five levels. Remember it’s possible that just because we aren’t fives anymore doesn’t have to mean that we are now zeros. Perhaps we can grieve the loss of the intimacy that came at level five and be grateful that we are still at level three, and know that someday that number can change again. It doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing to be meaningful, nor does it need to stay the same.”

For more information about gender issues and civic life, check out ’s newsletter, American Storylines. This piece about how young men and young women don’t understand each other is fantastic:

Despite declarations from some of the women in our focus groups that “men are simple creatures,” most men have complex emotional lives. They’ve just learned to hide their feelings or ignore them. It’s unfortunate that men are so often portrayed as emotionally immature or unsophisticated. To read news coverage about young men or listen to male-oriented podcasts you would come away with the sense that young men are shallow—they enjoy pranks, sports, video games, pornography and not much else.

These kinds of stereotypes can be seductive because of their simplicity—they serve as ready-made answers to complex questions. But pretending that men are not emotionally sophisticated does not serve them or the women in their lives well. The solution is not to double-down on these superficial characterizations, but to acknowledge that young men and women have distinctive experiences and concerns. For men, it means not only being curious about what women experience and believe, but about themselves as well.

What do you think? Have you had trouble maintaining your friendships with other genders? Tell me in the comments!

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As a staff writer for The Atlantic, Olga has reported on all facets of the human experience. With this book, she runs experiments to see what aspects of her personality can be altered so she can be her best self. She had questions like: Can she make herself less neurotic? Or increase her willingness to trust others? Or make more friends? Over the course of writing the book, she finds out!

I chatted with Olga about how our personality traits impact our friendships, all while my cats wrestled in the background like drunken soccer hooligans.

After I stopped fangirling over talking to her, we discussed:

• Vulnerability in writing

• How the concept of agreeableness impacts our friendmaking efforts

• Feeling isolated

• Our boisterous children & cats

• Grifters!

• How our values shape our personality and behavior

• The unique challenges we face maintaining friendships as adults

You can pick up ME, BUT BETTER anywhere books are sold!

It's only three super simple steps that take less than a minute:

1. Visit my book's Amazon page

2. Click on the blue ratings count next to the stars

3. Hit "Write a customer review"

A few words like "Loved it!", “Great read!” or even just a star rating is perfect – no need for an essay. Your review helps more than you know, and I'd be incredibly grateful.

When I reach 100 reviews, I wanna do something to thank you all. Help me decide. Vote!

A funny friendship-themed Powerpoint could be epic, just saying!!

Now, onto today's newsletter.

A while back, Diana Park wrote this terrific essay, “To The Friends Who Go Weeks Without Responding To My Texts,” on the parenting website, Scary Mommy.

In the highly relatable piece, the author explains how overwhelming it is to keep up with friends’ messages.

Park starts the essay by saying how she used to take offense when friends didn’t reply to her messages. That changed when she became a busy parent. Then she became the one in the friendship to drop the ball more often:

It was nothing personal, of course. My friends and family wanted to check on me and see how I was doing. But there was a big part of me that didn’t want to share my life because it felt like work. And when you are struggling with something heavy, everything can feel incredibly difficult.

Yes, replying to random unsolicited messages does feel like work. I told you this piece was highly relatable!

Now that she was the one who needed more leeway from her friends, Park realized that she should be more understanding when it comes to communication issues:

And so I say to the friends who go silent for days, weeks, even months, I get it. I’ve been there and I know it’s nothing personal. Not hearing from one of my loved ones will never make me love them any less. Sometimes, the best way to be a friend is to be patient and understanding and just leave the window open for whenever they do come back.

Sounds like a chill strategy, right?

Eh, not so fast.

Sure, this mindset sounds really positive and friendly on the surface. It’s like saying, 'If we chat, that’s awesome! And if we take a break from each other for a bit, that’s okay, too. Just be yourself! You do you.”

Letting your bonds decay is actually not a great solution for maintaining friendships

I understand how the writer arrived at this place, thinking that low-maintenance friends are the way forward. But, as a friendship explainer, I worry that this is not a viable long-term strategy.

It’s like the dude on Reddit who didn't realize that Tic-Tacs weren't actually 0 calories and gained 40 lbs. because he ate a few handfuls daily. These (seemingly) harmless decisions up. Ignoring your friends for weeks at a time, letting messages linger, hoping your connection will persist – none of those things will keep a friendship active.

It’s understandable to shuffle friendships to the outer rings when you’re snowed under, but you risk friends moving on without you. Those are the stakes here. Not to mention that you’re robbing yourself of the chance to be someone’s best friend.

So, what are you suggesting, lady?

A better strategy than ignoring your friends (and hoping it’s cool) is to triage your social life.

1. Pick 3 to 5 friends you commit to showing up for. These are the friends who play essential roles in your life. Conversely, you play important roles in their life, too. My book, Modern Friendship, will walk you through the process of selecting this elite tier of friends, which I call “Jacuzzi friends”.

2. For those that aren’t your inner circle of besties, sure, you can reply to them when you can. But, explain why you’re taking so long to reply and what you’d like to see happen in the future. This could sound like: “Hey! It’s great to hear from you. Work is insane atm. I’ll ping you when I come up for air in a few weeks.” Then, set a reminder in your calendar to reach out.

3. Take responsibility for your social life. Communicating with a friend for a few seconds is a gift you give your future self.

Why is this a better idea, Anna?

Friendships are easy to shed but harder to pick back up. You need a system to manage your social life and a strategy to keep your friends around.

Low-maintenance friends aren’t a great solution when they’re used as blanket permission to withdraw from your social circle. That’s honestly the last thing we need as a society right now. We need community and friends more than ever. These are rare resources. Treat other people’s interest and concern in your life with care and respect.

TL;DR

Stop feeling overwhelmed in your friendships and start triaging your social life. Focus on a handful of important people and commit to keeping those relationships active, (especially!) during busy times.

I’m kicking off Friendship Month over on the podcast Forever35. Look at this killer lineup. And, the coolest part: I’m actually friends with all these other authors! It’s like a Russian doll of friends talking about friendship.

Stay tuned. My episode drops in the coming days!

In the meantime, you can find me on:

• The Longing Lab with Amanda McCracken

• On The Baggage Reclaim Sessions with

• The Everygirl Podcast

Until next time,

Your buddy,

Anna

Click on the image to embiggen and tap the heart if you actually get Bingo.

If you enjoyed this post, then you might enjoy the Bad Date Bingo card I posted on my now-defunct dating blog, Shmitten Kitten. My secret passion is creating ridiculous bingo cards. Who knew???

Men are trash at texting, according to a recent article in The Atlantic titled “The Agony of Texting With Men”.

In the piece, writer Matthew Schnipper recounts how he sent his friend Joe a link to an album on Spotify he thought he’d enjoy. The message read: “Hi :) It’s Schnipper. I think u would dig this guy’s stuff.”

However, Joe didn’t reply. Dejected, Schnipper noodled on why his text was ignored. Was he asking too much of his friend??

Maybe asking someone to spend 45 minutes listening to an album and to then synthesize their thoughts is too much pressure. Or maybe Joe listened and he didn’t like the music and didn’t want to disappoint me. Maybe he doesn’t actually like me.

There are a lot of potential reasons he didn’t respond; I imagined them all. Months later, I finally asked why he’d left me on read. “I don’t know,” Joe said. “It’s a good question.”

After thinking about it a bit, Joe told him that replying to text messages are a pain in the ass and feels like homework:

Responding to messages becomes “this looming thing that I have to do,” he said. “It turns into a source of anxiety, honestly, that I’ll always be like, I’m in text debt.” So these friendships, untended, don’t blossom. Because Joe, like many men, is bad at texting.

Schnipper blames a lot things for this men finding themselves in this conundrum. There’s less places to organically engage with one another, he says. Men aren’t used to having to mediate their experiences using a phone, unlike naturally chatty ladies.

Many of the places where in-person relationships previously formed—offices, bars, churches—are no longer mandatory stops. Now “texting is our social experience,” Nick Brody, a communication-studies professor at the University of Puget Sound, told me. The medium, he said, can disadvantage men, who typically socialize in a “side by side” manner—playing or watching sports, for instance.

Women, by contrast, tend to socialize via conversation, which texting closely mimics. If the way we spend time with friends moves to our phones, Brody said, the “preferences that many men have for maintaining their relationships don’t necessarily translate very well.”

*raises hand to speak*

Yes, friendship norms are changing. But that’s not the reason why Schnipper’s initial text was ignored. Here, let me write it in a big font:

Joe didn’t respond because Schnipper’s text was TOO VAGUE

Schnipper never indicated that he would appreciate hearing Joe’s thoughts on the album. So Joe was like, “It’s too much energy for me to figure out what to do with this link. Therefore, I will ignore it.”

The problem isn’t that these men are crappy communicators due their circumstances beyond their control. The problem is that they can be low-effort communicators because they don’t know –– or care to learn –– thoughtful texting protocol.

As more evidence of men sucking at texting, Schipper points to the awkwardness of a group chat when someone shares heavy or sad news:

On the rare occasions when Joe’s group chat turns serious, such as when one of his friends needs comfort, Joe told me that he’ll sometimes “​​wince at it.” He’ll respond with some empathy, then wait a requisite amount of time before going back to spewing nonsense. The chat, he said, is not the arena for talking about real things.

Mr. Schnipper ends the article with a plea: “Something needs to change if men want to forge meaningful, intimate friendships: They’re going to have to get more comfortable with texting.”

Pull up a chair, men! I can help you.

The 4 Golden Rules of Texting

Rule #1: Be explicit about why you’re reaching out

A text message is a gift. Just as there are great gifts (cash, always) and crappy gifts (a paperback copy of Hillbilly Elegy), a successful gift is one that takes the recipient’s needs and preferences into account. Spend a beat thinking about how your message will land in the other person’s inbox.

“Are you around Thursday?” is a frustrating text to receive because it raises more questions for the recipient:

• Am I around to do what?

• What time on Thursday are you thinking?

• Why are you asking me?

• Will this outing cost anything?

Texters, anticipate those questions.

Let’s try this again. Take two:

“Hey! Are you around Thursday to grab happy hour? I want to hear about your recent trip to Miami. I’m thinking we could go to the dive bar near your house. Would that work?”

That’s a lot better! At least now the recipient can make a decision quickly about whether this hang out is compelling to him.

Is it more effort upfront to send a message like this? Yes. But by giving more information at the start, you increase the chances of the plans happening.

Rule #2: Remove uncertainty.

In his text, Schnipper could’ve explained why he was reaching out to Joe and what he hoped to see happen:

“Hey! I think you’d dig this guy’s stuff. It’s similar to [other artist he loves.] Let me know what you think about it when you have a moment. Cheers!”

What is happening: I’m sending you a link to an album I though you’d enjoy.
Next steps: Tell me your thoughts on it.

If Joe is interested in developing his friendship deeper, then he can take the bid, listen to the album and reach out with his thoughts.

Rule #3: Explain what silences mean

Texters, don’t be held hostage by text recipient’s silence. Tell them how you’ll interpret their silence.

“Hey! Still want to grab a drink tonight? If I don’t hear from you by noon, I’ll assume it’s a pass. I’ll be in touch later in the week and we can find another time.”

Rule #4: Group chats are for sharing news that can be recognized with a few words

Bad news in a group chat doesn’t have to make things weird. I agree with the article that group chats aren’t the best place to find nuanced expressions of sympathy. But that doesn’t mean that you ignore people who share personal updates with you.

When you want to share the life update: If you’re looking for support beyond, “Oh man, that’s great!” or “Damn, that sucks,” contact people individually to share your news.

If your buddy is sharing distressing news in the group chat: acknowledge it with a few words then follow up with that person in an individual thread. Say something like, “Hey, I saw your text. Just want to check in with you. How are you doing?”

Did I miss anything? Tell me in the comments.

I had a wonderful conversation with the ladies on Pantsuit Politics. It was a wonderfully raw conversation about why our friendships are so hard to maintain but why we should invest in them anyways. Listen here.

Until next time!

Your buddy,

Anna