10 chill friendship tips for the new year
#10 is my personal fave
Hey all!
I hope you had a peaceful holiday season. I’m excited to share I’ll be in conversation with friendship educator Blake Blankenbecler on Instagram live on January 2nd at 1:30 pm EST. A licensed therapist, Blake created a friendship deck to help people strengthen their friendships. I’ve used the cards with my own friends and was delighted with the fascinating conversations that came from it.
The title of my chat with Blake is “New Year, New Friends”. We’re going to share low-lift strategies for keeping your connections strong in 2024. We can answer your friendship questions too. Follow both of us on Instagram to be kept in the loop.
As we wrap up 2023, I compiled friendship tips for you to keep in mind as we flip our calendars to 2024. These nuggets are taken from my forthcoming book, Modern Friendship, which is available for pre-order this very second:
10 chill friendship tips for the new year
A few months ago, I started a “30 friendship tips in 30 days” challenge on Threads but I forgot Threads existed by day 17 so I never completed the challenge. #relatable
I added a few extra tips to round out the list to an even number. Here are the first 10.
1. Friendships are a story of shared time. Studies show it takes about 200 hours to go from stranger to a close friend. Those hours are easy to rack up in school or at work. It’s harder when you’re an adult with obligations. The solution: be intentional about scheduling hangouts with a few, select friends doing activities both people enjoy.
2. Every friendship needs an ABOUT, a compelling reason to seek one another out. Friendships struggle when there’s a lack of a CLEAR and COMPELLING reason to be in touch.
3. You can renegotiate your friendships at any time. If the “about” of your friendship is outdated (you used to party til dawn and now you’re sober curious) you can bring it up: “I don’t want to party as much but I do want to learn to knit. Want to start a knitting circle with me?”
Of course, your friend can renegotiate back: “I’m not crazy about knitting. But I do want to start a book club. Any interest?” As long as a desire to connect is there, there’s hope! ✌🏻
4. Frame invitations in a way friends can quickly say yes to.
Good: “Let’s get together sometime.”
Better: “Wanna get together this week?”
Best: “Want to get Thai food on Thursday? How’s 6pm at the place near your house?”
5. Friendships will always come with some element of rejection. Not everyone can be available to us at all times. But if it’s a new pattern, use these silences and rejections to better understand your priority in your friend’s life. Adjust expectations accordingly.
6. Make silences mean something. Next time you reach out to a flaky friend, say, “Wanna do [an awesome thing] with me? If I don’t hear back from you by Friday, I’ll assume it’s a pass!” People get busy. People forget to reply to messages. By indicating how you’ll interpret a friend’s silence, you’ll give your friend grace and yourself piece of mind.
7. Drop the word “should” from your vocabulary. Should sets us up for disappointment. It causes us to focus on how things would be ideally, not realistically how they are.
8. Try to eliminate uncertainty as often as you can because uncertainty causes anxiety. This can look like saying: "Just so you know, I love being your friend." Or, "I cherish our friendship. You mean so much to me." Giving your friend the certainty that you value them will lessen anxiety on their part should hiccups arise. And it encourages them to invest and prioritize your friendship too!
9. Resist the temptation to compare yourself to your friends' lives. This will only lead to jealousy or resentment. Some friends will have more money. Some will have seemingly perfect jobs or relationships. But life is long and weird. Fortunes change. Success is a slippery eel. By resisting comparing your lives, you'll not only be a more present friend, but you'll be happier with your own lot.
10. If you constantly feel like you're a bad friend for not doing a "better job" of keeping in touch with your social circle, consider that you're holding yourself to a standard that no longer suits you. Maybe you’re comparing your capacity today with a version of yourself in the past when you had more time and energy to invest in your friendships.
Let me know if any of these tips were helpful to you. Anything you’d add or change? Tell me in the comments.
Stay tuned for the next 10 tips as we roll into the new year.
Your buddy,
Anna Goldfarb
*If your friendships feel like a neglected garbage heap, I’m here to help. Pre-order MODERN FRIENDSHIP anywhere books are sold*
This was fabulous!!
These are great-- number 10 is my favorite. I don't think people think about this often and set themselves up for failure (or at least perceived failure).