4 Ways to Upgrade the "Thinking of You" Text

Low-effort texts like "thinking of you" go nowhere. Send this instead.

A while back, Dr. Vivek Murthy took to his Substack to encourage people to reach out to their lapsed friendships with a friendly text. He calls this The “Reach Out” Rule, “a digital tap on the shoulder”:

If someone crosses your mind—while you’re making coffee, walking to your car, or scrolling through your photos—reach out right then. Text, send a voice note, leave a voicemail (old-school, I know), or (gasp) pick up the phone and call them, even if just for 2 minutes, to say I’m thinking about you.

Don’t wait for a “better” time. The best time is the exact moment you thought of them. Your message doesn’t need to be profound. It can be as simple as: “You just crossed my mind, sending love.”

By acting on that thought, you are fulfilling the rule in its truest form. You are choosing to show up for someone. And as I’ve learned from both my father and my friends, this habit is exactly what builds a life of belonging.

I’m calling bullshit on this. Sending a random text to nostalgic friends on a Tuesday afternoon doesn’t lead to anything other than creating more inbox clutter.

And it’s not because we’re heartless monsters! Sending low-effort digital drive-by hellos rarely leads to anything because the interaction has no momentum.

It’s not showing up at all. It’s more like waving through a car window.

Friend #1: Thinking of you!
Friend #2: Awww, you’re so sweet! I miss you!
Friend #1: I miss you too!

The thread is usually dropped around here. No plans were made. No real information was shared. That’s because texts like these are ephemeral. There are no new memories made with a “thinking of you” text.

As active friends, our #1 goal should be to make happy memories together. With that said, here are four better things to text a friend than “Thinking of you!”.

1. “Do you need an accountability buddy for anything this season?”

Accountability buddies work when both people care about the goal. So find a goal you both care about. Do you need a walking buddy, a museum buddy, or a TJ Maxx/ Starbucks/ Chipotle buddy (aka The Suburban Golden Trifecta)? Do you want to read more books or see more movies? Toss some ideas around.

This question also signals your interest in actually being a part of your friend’s normal life. And being an accountability buddy doesn’t require a lot of admin work, like scheduling a semi-fussy catch-up date at a restaurant that sits on your calendar like a doctor’s appointment.

2. “What are some low-stakes things annoying you right now? The pettier, the better.”

Get each other laughing. I’m annoyed that some other lady in this cafe is also wearing a cute bandana in her hair like me. Someone even commented that we looked like twins, which irritated me.

I’m also annoyed that the last two bags of Pretzel Chips I bought were stale. I’m annoyed that my new iPad game has long ads. I’m annoyed that I’m trying the Abbey Yung hair method and don’t know if I’m doing the steps correctly. There are so many steps!!

Honestly, I would LOVE to hear what annoys my friends too. I could use a laugh!

3. “I wish we were together doing something we love to do.”

Emphasize your likeness. Show that you still enjoy doing the same things. I wish we were lounging by a pool drinking pina coladas. I wish we ordered Thai food and were watching the new season of Love is Blind. I wish we were in your backyard scarfing down chips and guac. I wish we were having a picnic in the park drinking wine and nibbling on cheese. Tell them! You’ll both smile at the thought of being together.

4. “What is something you wish I’d ask you about more?”

Be curious about your friends. Maybe they wish they could share more about their work, or their kids, or their marriage. This question shows that you care about them beyond their utility as your friend. You see them for all the roles they play in life. Friends love that shit!

Anything else you’d suggest we ask our friends? Has a “thinking of you” text led to anything real with a friend? Tell me in the comments.