Hi. Thanks for this. I needed to read it as do feel overwhelmed with folks not ever getting back to me. If I don't reach out, I feel no one will and feel maybe I'm the problem?
Ooooooh I have a follow-up question for you about this. I have a friend that I've been close with for years. She moved away, and her life has changed (as has mine). We now text maybe once or twice a month, and it feels like it's almost always me texting her. We talk ... rarely. I feel like the friendship is fizzling out. And I'm not sure what to do! I'd love your brain on this if you have an essay or a thesis about the best strategy here.
Here's what I know to be true ... and questions I have:
- I have a 'best friend' or a 'bathtub-jacuzzi' spot in my friendship lineup now, and I don't know whether or not she actually needs to be the one filling it.
- Friendships fizzle and fade, and she may be more of a Beach Bonfire friend.
- If I'm being honest, I feel like I was often more invested than she was, and I provided a lot of support towards her, but I didn't always get my needs met in the same way.
- Should I acknowledge the shift with her directly, or just let it fade away? If I don't text, she may go months without talking to me. I once sent her a meme that was just "it's quiet in here."
- What steps do you take to bring people into the close-friends space when you find that you're actually missing the 'best-friend-energy' that you used to have solidly squared away with besties that have shifted to new parts of life?
It's almost as if this isn't a "friendship issue" and more of a cultural/mental health issue. When our cups are full, nervous systems regulated, we feel supported, etc. the natural response is to connect and reach out and be in community with those that we care about. We CRAVE community! But when we're overextended and running on empty and every exchange feels like a transaction, it's only natural that friendships fall to the wayside.
Giving ourselves grace when we aren't able to fully show up for our friends in the way we want to is important. As is breaking up connection into bite sized, intentional pieces. But until without broader lifestyle/mental health/self care shift, lasting change can't take place.
Yes, Sophia! Thank you for writing this comment. I agree with you: Friendships can buckle when we're overextended and running on empty. But I'm arguing that it doesn't have to be this way!
When you take the time to understand WHY a particular friendship is important to you, you'll be more likely to respect the relationship. And when you decide to keep a FEW precious friendships afloat, you won't get so overwhelmed.
Friendships are the same as any other life sphere –finances, diet, career– in that you need a plan to manage the ups and downs you will experience.
To manage your finances, you make a budget.
To manage diet, you can come up with a mealplan.
In your job, you have career goals you work towards.
To keep friendships active, you need a plan, too. That's what I can help with.
You wrote: "But until without broader lifestyle/mental health/self care shift, lasting change can't take place."
I disagree with you there. That's like saying that people can't make a budget or meal plan without a broader lifestyle/mental health/self-care shift.
The issue is education. It's about understanding how people operate and developing strategies to make our social lives easier and connections more sustainable.
Wow love this dialogue - thank you for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful reply!
I actually think we're on the same page here - There is absolutely no denying the power of creating a strategy that works for you, and putting a plan in place to achieve the desired results. That's a huge piece of the puzzle! I've always found that being intentional with my connections, and communicating my limitations has had the most profound impact on sustaining friendship longerm.
What I was trying to get at in my original comment, is the fact that as a society we also need to hold space for the fact that sometimes a plan in itsself is not going to be the one-size-fits-all fix to our loneliness (if it were that easy, low maintenance friendships would not even be a part of the conversation!), rather a tool to be used alongside other mental health/lifestyle shifts to enable a more wholistic change to take place. After all, an empty cup cannot pour into another (or however the saying goes - lol).
Maybe it's the ADHD in me, but following a plan (even if I know it's really important to me!) is hard. I can list a million different examples of times when I've done the values based exploration, made a plan, resolved to be a better friend, budgeter, fitness plan follower, etc. make massive progress for a short period of time, only to burn out and "fail", likely because my overarching lifestyle and mindset wasn't supporting me in the way that I needed. Maybe this is just a personal issue, but I've never been able to:
Manage my finances until I understood the hole that I was trying to fill through my overspending, and re-evaluated my relationship with money and "enoughness"
Manage my health until I learned to love my body and treated exercise/healthy eating as a way to better love and care for myself vs fit a target weight to fit into a certain jean size.
Meet my career goals, in an environment that was not supportive and geared towards growth.
And, as a "low maintenance friend" in a past life, it wasn't until I found ways to design a life that fit my unique needs, regulate my nervous system, etc. that I found myself open and able to connect with friends in a way that is fulfilling for all parties involved (and actually sustain your awesome outline).
I'm not advocating for throwing your strategy all together, but rather acknowledging that it's a part of a broader, cultural conversation <3
Also, let me know if you'd ever want to write a guest post for this newsletter with your thoughts on this topic! I think people will benefit from your perspective. Hit me up: anna@modernfriendship.org
And, as a "low maintenance friend" in a past life, it wasn't until I found ways to design a life that fit my unique needs, regulate my nervous system, etc. that I found myself open and able to connect with friends in a way that is fulfilling for all parties involved (and actually sustain your awesome outline).
I'm not advocating for throwing your strategy all together, but rather acknowledging that it's a part of a broader, cultural conversation <3
Hi. Thanks for this. I needed to read it as do feel overwhelmed with folks not ever getting back to me. If I don't reach out, I feel no one will and feel maybe I'm the problem?
1. 1000% agree with you.
2. lol on the tictac situation analogy. That was spot on.
Ooooooh I have a follow-up question for you about this. I have a friend that I've been close with for years. She moved away, and her life has changed (as has mine). We now text maybe once or twice a month, and it feels like it's almost always me texting her. We talk ... rarely. I feel like the friendship is fizzling out. And I'm not sure what to do! I'd love your brain on this if you have an essay or a thesis about the best strategy here.
Here's what I know to be true ... and questions I have:
- I have a 'best friend' or a 'bathtub-jacuzzi' spot in my friendship lineup now, and I don't know whether or not she actually needs to be the one filling it.
- Friendships fizzle and fade, and she may be more of a Beach Bonfire friend.
- If I'm being honest, I feel like I was often more invested than she was, and I provided a lot of support towards her, but I didn't always get my needs met in the same way.
- Should I acknowledge the shift with her directly, or just let it fade away? If I don't text, she may go months without talking to me. I once sent her a meme that was just "it's quiet in here."
- What steps do you take to bring people into the close-friends space when you find that you're actually missing the 'best-friend-energy' that you used to have solidly squared away with besties that have shifted to new parts of life?
This is a FABULOUS question! I'll work on a larger post about this and send it to you!
Excellent advice as always!
It's almost as if this isn't a "friendship issue" and more of a cultural/mental health issue. When our cups are full, nervous systems regulated, we feel supported, etc. the natural response is to connect and reach out and be in community with those that we care about. We CRAVE community! But when we're overextended and running on empty and every exchange feels like a transaction, it's only natural that friendships fall to the wayside.
Giving ourselves grace when we aren't able to fully show up for our friends in the way we want to is important. As is breaking up connection into bite sized, intentional pieces. But until without broader lifestyle/mental health/self care shift, lasting change can't take place.
Yes, Sophia! Thank you for writing this comment. I agree with you: Friendships can buckle when we're overextended and running on empty. But I'm arguing that it doesn't have to be this way!
When you take the time to understand WHY a particular friendship is important to you, you'll be more likely to respect the relationship. And when you decide to keep a FEW precious friendships afloat, you won't get so overwhelmed.
Friendships are the same as any other life sphere –finances, diet, career– in that you need a plan to manage the ups and downs you will experience.
To manage your finances, you make a budget.
To manage diet, you can come up with a mealplan.
In your job, you have career goals you work towards.
To keep friendships active, you need a plan, too. That's what I can help with.
You wrote: "But until without broader lifestyle/mental health/self care shift, lasting change can't take place."
I disagree with you there. That's like saying that people can't make a budget or meal plan without a broader lifestyle/mental health/self-care shift.
The issue is education. It's about understanding how people operate and developing strategies to make our social lives easier and connections more sustainable.
Wow love this dialogue - thank you for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful reply!
I actually think we're on the same page here - There is absolutely no denying the power of creating a strategy that works for you, and putting a plan in place to achieve the desired results. That's a huge piece of the puzzle! I've always found that being intentional with my connections, and communicating my limitations has had the most profound impact on sustaining friendship longerm.
What I was trying to get at in my original comment, is the fact that as a society we also need to hold space for the fact that sometimes a plan in itsself is not going to be the one-size-fits-all fix to our loneliness (if it were that easy, low maintenance friendships would not even be a part of the conversation!), rather a tool to be used alongside other mental health/lifestyle shifts to enable a more wholistic change to take place. After all, an empty cup cannot pour into another (or however the saying goes - lol).
Maybe it's the ADHD in me, but following a plan (even if I know it's really important to me!) is hard. I can list a million different examples of times when I've done the values based exploration, made a plan, resolved to be a better friend, budgeter, fitness plan follower, etc. make massive progress for a short period of time, only to burn out and "fail", likely because my overarching lifestyle and mindset wasn't supporting me in the way that I needed. Maybe this is just a personal issue, but I've never been able to:
Manage my finances until I understood the hole that I was trying to fill through my overspending, and re-evaluated my relationship with money and "enoughness"
Manage my health until I learned to love my body and treated exercise/healthy eating as a way to better love and care for myself vs fit a target weight to fit into a certain jean size.
Meet my career goals, in an environment that was not supportive and geared towards growth.
And, as a "low maintenance friend" in a past life, it wasn't until I found ways to design a life that fit my unique needs, regulate my nervous system, etc. that I found myself open and able to connect with friends in a way that is fulfilling for all parties involved (and actually sustain your awesome outline).
I'm not advocating for throwing your strategy all together, but rather acknowledging that it's a part of a broader, cultural conversation <3
Wonderfully said, Sophia!! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about this with you xoxo
Also, let me know if you'd ever want to write a guest post for this newsletter with your thoughts on this topic! I think people will benefit from your perspective. Hit me up: anna@modernfriendship.org
growth.
And, as a "low maintenance friend" in a past life, it wasn't until I found ways to design a life that fit my unique needs, regulate my nervous system, etc. that I found myself open and able to connect with friends in a way that is fulfilling for all parties involved (and actually sustain your awesome outline).
I'm not advocating for throwing your strategy all together, but rather acknowledging that it's a part of a broader, cultural conversation <3
This is such good advice, and that Friendship Month lineup for Forever35 is FIRE!!
This is great advice that I needed to hear!