Rotten Devotion is when someone offers genuine care while unconsciously requiring you to stay in a lower status position. It's care with a caveat. Love with an asterisk. Here's how to recognize it — and heal from it.
Putting a name to this is so helpful. I was in one of these for over a decade with someone who was really gracious and generous with her beautiful, privileged life, but only when I was worse off than her in pretty much every way that mattered. I felt crazy for years, thinking I was imagining this dynamic, because she never seemed to be doing it intentionally.
It took seeing her be beyond callous to someone else with no self-awareness to make me finally realize how out-of-control she was and leave the friendship. She made a huge show of not knowing why I left, and how she's a victim. I'm shocked at how little I miss her, considering how much of my social life she had veto power over for so long. The only downside is that now I worry about sharing too much of myself with friends, especially the things she made me feel bad about.
I want to give you a huge hug! You don't miss her because you had to be a smaller version of yourself to keep the bond alive. I'd be like a butterfly missing its cocoon. Why would you miss that?
It sounds like you're still healing. These kinds of friendships can be so intense. It's like a drug. It takes a while to find your footing.
Anyone is susceptible to these dynamics because both people are giving and receiving something valuable (superiority for one, care for the other). Nothing is inherently wrong about that. It's just that this dynamic is doomed. It cannot last.
I'm sure we've all been on both sides, to some extent. The best we can do is have self-compassion and educate ourselves so we don't fall back into the same patterns.
This is so well articulated. I've been trying to name the reason a "great" friend of mine and I are no longer friends and this really summarized it. When my life started "working," it didn't work for her anymore. The strange thing is that even though we were friends for years (and btw had a lot of AMAZING times together), I don't miss her at all.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's such a mindfuck to experience. The love is real, but it's in service of one person's ego rather than mutual growth. I hope that when people see this framing, they'll understand that no one was the villain. It's just that the appeal of the relationship was different for both people, ultimately.
Putting a name to this is so helpful. I was in one of these for over a decade with someone who was really gracious and generous with her beautiful, privileged life, but only when I was worse off than her in pretty much every way that mattered. I felt crazy for years, thinking I was imagining this dynamic, because she never seemed to be doing it intentionally.
It took seeing her be beyond callous to someone else with no self-awareness to make me finally realize how out-of-control she was and leave the friendship. She made a huge show of not knowing why I left, and how she's a victim. I'm shocked at how little I miss her, considering how much of my social life she had veto power over for so long. The only downside is that now I worry about sharing too much of myself with friends, especially the things she made me feel bad about.
I want to give you a huge hug! You don't miss her because you had to be a smaller version of yourself to keep the bond alive. I'd be like a butterfly missing its cocoon. Why would you miss that?
It sounds like you're still healing. These kinds of friendships can be so intense. It's like a drug. It takes a while to find your footing.
This is so good, Anna! Sharing as a link in my newsletter this week.
Thank you, Nina!!
Fascinating! Are you thinking of this as something similar or distinct from co-dependence?
It's a one-sided codependence, where one friend needs the other to be in a lower status. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Sad to say I think I have been unintentionally on both sides of this. :(
Anyone is susceptible to these dynamics because both people are giving and receiving something valuable (superiority for one, care for the other). Nothing is inherently wrong about that. It's just that this dynamic is doomed. It cannot last.
I'm sure we've all been on both sides, to some extent. The best we can do is have self-compassion and educate ourselves so we don't fall back into the same patterns.
This is so well articulated. I've been trying to name the reason a "great" friend of mine and I are no longer friends and this really summarized it. When my life started "working," it didn't work for her anymore. The strange thing is that even though we were friends for years (and btw had a lot of AMAZING times together), I don't miss her at all.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's such a mindfuck to experience. The love is real, but it's in service of one person's ego rather than mutual growth. I hope that when people see this framing, they'll understand that no one was the villain. It's just that the appeal of the relationship was different for both people, ultimately.