Robin Dunbar, the evolutionary psychologist behind the famous "Dunbar's number," spent decades proving that human beings can only maintain about 150 meaningful relationships at once.
Love the water-themed reframe of Dunbar’s theory! Asking yourself “would I share a bathtub or jacuzzi with this person?” is also a surprisingly useful gut-check for placing people across the layers ;)
One angle worth exploring: the geography of each layer. As an expat who has lived in 7 cities across 4 countries, I’ve found that having all your closest friends scattered geographically and across time zones is unfulfilling. A mix of local and non-local at each level seems to matter more than total numbers.
I wrote about this in “How Many Friends Do You Actually Need?” and landed on the idea, like you, that returns diminish beyond the jacuzzi tier, so that’s where the investment of time and effort is best concentrated 💛
Thank you for this great comment! Yes, geography can affect which of our friendships are active, but it depends on how clear and compelling the reason for the friendship is. That's the "desire" piece of my framework.
If a friendship drifts, it's because the reason to keep in touch fades, so the friendship transitions from an active one to more of a nostalgic one.
One of my close friends lives across the country, but we keep in touch often because we're both journalists and authors, which is HIGHLY compelling to me. But, if she stopped writing and became, say, a gymnast, the reason to stay in touch would become less compelling to me, and our communication would fall off, I suspect. That's how we make decisions on who to keep close and why.
I have talked about this and shared with friends lots since I first heard you explain it a few years ago on a podcast. I also love checking in with friends and family with something like, who’s in your hot tub these days?
I do like the bathtub framework for friendships. Certain people came to mind as I read each category in your bathtub theory. It also made me smile as it's just a fun way to differentiate our social network.
This is a helpful theory. It was also interesting to think where I might fall on other people's water levels, and to consider if there are any disconnects.
I believe that any taxonomy of friendship needs to grapple with the question, Can sexual partners be considered friends? Can family members? Can employee subordinates? Is there no distinction between highly structured, sometimes legally binding, relationships and voluntary relationships?
Love the water-themed reframe of Dunbar’s theory! Asking yourself “would I share a bathtub or jacuzzi with this person?” is also a surprisingly useful gut-check for placing people across the layers ;)
One angle worth exploring: the geography of each layer. As an expat who has lived in 7 cities across 4 countries, I’ve found that having all your closest friends scattered geographically and across time zones is unfulfilling. A mix of local and non-local at each level seems to matter more than total numbers.
I wrote about this in “How Many Friends Do You Actually Need?” and landed on the idea, like you, that returns diminish beyond the jacuzzi tier, so that’s where the investment of time and effort is best concentrated 💛
Thank you for this great comment! Yes, geography can affect which of our friendships are active, but it depends on how clear and compelling the reason for the friendship is. That's the "desire" piece of my framework.
If a friendship drifts, it's because the reason to keep in touch fades, so the friendship transitions from an active one to more of a nostalgic one.
One of my close friends lives across the country, but we keep in touch often because we're both journalists and authors, which is HIGHLY compelling to me. But, if she stopped writing and became, say, a gymnast, the reason to stay in touch would become less compelling to me, and our communication would fall off, I suspect. That's how we make decisions on who to keep close and why.
One of my favorite sections of your book is the water analogies! It's such a good visual.
I have talked about this and shared with friends lots since I first heard you explain it a few years ago on a podcast. I also love checking in with friends and family with something like, who’s in your hot tub these days?
I love that! Thank you for sharing this with me!
Love this list!
Thank you, Christine!
I do like the bathtub framework for friendships. Certain people came to mind as I read each category in your bathtub theory. It also made me smile as it's just a fun way to differentiate our social network.
This is a helpful theory. It was also interesting to think where I might fall on other people's water levels, and to consider if there are any disconnects.
Yes!! It helps one see the larger architecture of their social life.
I believe that any taxonomy of friendship needs to grapple with the question, Can sexual partners be considered friends? Can family members? Can employee subordinates? Is there no distinction between highly structured, sometimes legally binding, relationships and voluntary relationships?
Of course they can! It depends on what role they play for you. I discuss these roles in the book, using Tom Rath's Vital Friends as a reference.
Here's a great breakdown of the 8 roles Rath identified: https://time.com/collections/live-well/5039947/8-types-of-friends/
My ex-boyfriend is my mind opener. I'm still friends with him. My sister is my collaborator. One of my best friends is my energizer, etc.