The Mixed Messages We Receive About Friendship
Should you reach out or peace out?
I was just scrolling through Threads (because I remember it exists every few weeks) and I saw something that stopped me in my tracks.
To be clear, neither message is controversial; I was more struck by the positioning:
I had whiplash making Kombucha lady faces reading these Threads. (Oof. What a terrible sentence.)
After the first message, I was like, “Awww! Reach out, yes! Communication FTW.”
Then the second message made me go, “fuck everyone! Let them miss me.”
This reflects the contradictory messages we receive about friendship (and relationships in general) ALL THE TIME.
Option #1: Reach out and extend grace when we don’t understand a friend’s behavior
Option #2: Peace out when we experience discomfort or disrespect at the hands of a friend
How do we know which strategy to apply? Is it any wonder why relationships have become so fraught?
Obviously toxic partners and jobs aren’t in this realm. Some situations are definitely worth leaving. I’m not disputing that. But friendships certainly wade into these murky waters.
The real question at the heart of these two threads is: How can I take my power back?
The real way to feel empowered in friendships is to ask yourself: what are the clear and compelling reasons that the relationship exists? In other words, why are we in the friendship in the first place?
If the reasons aren’t clear or aren’t compelling, we tend to disengage. We’re not going to fight for it. It’ll fizzle out.
If the reasons the relationship exist are clear and are compelling, we tend to put more effort into resolving the conflict.
That’s how you decide (subconsciously, at least) which relationships are worth fighting for.
A few things:
The new season of Love is Blind had me obsessed. I was like, “Hold my calls, 1Eleanor! I must watch this entire season now.” None of these people should be in the dating pool. It was a very enjoyable season to watch and I only fast-forwarded through a few scenes, which is about the highest praise LIB can get from me.
A new ice cream place opened by my house and they offer ice cream cake crumbles as a topping. This is fulfilling my life-long dream of having a Carvel cake-ish ice cream experience on demand. I haven’t tried this place yet but I’m eager to see if it lives up to my expectations.
The only other ice cream-related dream I have is to try Rice Krispie Treat ice cream, which I can’t believe isn’t a thing. Well, it turns out that it IS a thing and my local Acme sells it.
Behold I tried it last week and I regret to inform you that it was pretty bland. And there were only sparse amounts of RKTs in the airy ice cream base. No thank you!
Is a marshmellow-flavored ice cream packed with RKTs too much to ask? Why can’t billionaires solve these kinds of issues for the common man???
I’ve spent the last few months decompressing from promoting my book the past year and change. I haven’t written anything, which feels bad because I’m a writer. I haven’t done much social media, which feels bad because I’m an author.
I’ve learned the best response I can have to those guilty feelings is to rest. And, actually, to spend time with my friends. I helped my best friend pick out a new car last weekend. I had lunch the other week with a wonderful new friend. I’ve been deepening my friendship with a bestie who lives across the country. I made plans to visit one of my oldest, dearest friends in Richmond next weekend.
Spending time with friends quiets the voice in my head telling me I’m not doing enough. Being around people I love is a gift I give myself and it is NEVER time wasted.
A reminder: Everyone is tired right now. And everyone needs a really good friend. Go be a wonderful friend to the most awesome people you can find.
Eleanor is my cat. She cannot physically hold my calls, but she did hold them metaphorically.
I think the overthinking part is what kills most adult friendships before they even start. I almost didn't talk to someone who ended up becoming one of my best friends because I was worried it would be weird to approach her in a parking lot. Like, she's just trying to go home, I don't want to bother her. But I said something anyway and now we drive to Pilates together every weekend. The bar is so much lower than we think it is.
So very helpful, elegantly so! And just, really
Helpful. This has lifted the confusion I feel around a fading friendship- and also one, where the behaviour of a friend felt odd, but I did reach out. Compelling reasons: gold dust in all areas!